Assumptions
by SquiggleSmurf
Summary: *Companion to "I'm Simply a Moogle* Penelo never thought that the men wouldn’t be too thrilled with what the women assumed of them. Vaan should have realized that the women wouldn’t be happy with what the men thought of them. And so begins the quarrel.


Wow! I finally finished it! Took me long enough. As a warning, I think some of the characters are OOC, namely Basch and Vaan, but seeing the circumstance that they're in... maybe not. Anyways, Alfador, will you do the disclaimer?

Alfador: Sure! SquiggleSmurf is not associated with the the making and developing of FFXII in any way, shape, or form. She is merely a fan of the game. She is also not associated with any other character from another game that may or may not appear in this fic or any song lyric that may or may not appear in this fic. Just read!

* * *

Today, they were suppose to defeat Vayne. They were suppose to ride the _Strahl_ and infiltrate the _Bahamut_. They were so close to the Aerodome. But as they walked through the streets of Rabanastre, they talked and some things were mentioned. It was an accident; the girls didn't try to bring it up, but Penelo spilled it out. Vaan was getting too curious and had to make sure that it was really true. 

Penelo never thought that the men wouldn't be too thrilled with what the women assumed of them. Vaan should have realized that the women wouldn't be happy with what the men thought of them. They shouldn't have said anything.

"MY GOD! HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT!?

"How could WE think that!? How about what YOU thought!?"

"Outrageous! This is simply outrageous!"

"You're right about that! Accusing me of performing such an act!? Have you completely forgotten who am I!?"

"Well, you appear to have forgotten my role in this story! Seriously, could you actually think before you burst out such rubberish!?"

Now, the group of six was in a quarrel, guys versus girls. Several people of Rabanastre turned their attention to the center of town to see what the ruckus was about. They would soon find out.

"This is unbelievable!!!" Vaan cried out. "How could you ever think that!? HOW!?"

"Please Vaan," Ashe replied, breathing heavily and shooting daggers with her eyes at the men. "Unlike your accusations, I think we found substantial evidence to believe you guys are gay."

"Ridiculous!" Balthier snapped. He was trying to keep his composure, but ended up frantically fiddling with his cuffs. "I'm the leading man! And you know what they say about the leading man? **He's never gay!**"

"By what terms do you think we are homosexual?" Basch asked, flinching every two seconds to keep himself together.

Penelo rolled her eyes and groaned. "Isn't it obvious!?"

"How can the untrue be obvious!?"

"Look Vaan, I'm sorry if you're upset, but I always assumed you were gay! I thought you got it from Reks!"

"WHAT!?" Vaan jumped back in shook. "Now you're bringing my brother into this!?"

"Vaan!" Penelo exclaimed, getting annoyed. "If you never noticed, Reks liked to reveal his stomach! Don't you remember his armor? And Vaan, you _never_ wear a shirt! Every day, you walk out with only a small vest on your back!"

"So what's your point!?"

Penelo was really getting agitated. "You're revealing too much skin! I don't think straight guys would reveal so much skin!"

"But **I am straight**!!!"

"Then put on a **GOD DAMN SHIRT**!"

"**BUT IT'S FUCKING HOT IN DALMASCA**!!!" Vaan bellowed. He had reached his breaking point. There he was: screaming, running around crazily, and flailing his arms in the center of town. "I'LL ONLY SWEAT IF I WEAR A SHIRT!!! I CAN BARELY EVEN STAND WEARING THIS VEST!!! I HATE SHIRTS!!! REKS WAS ALWAYS HOT TOO!!! BUT HE WAS NEVER GAY!!! AND NEITHER AM I!!!"

"The more you defensive you get, the more likely that you are queer," Fran interposed. That comment was a little too much for Vaan.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" With that, he fell to the ground in a fetal position, rocking back and forth.

More people were taking notice of the six and began to watch them. Maybe if they focused elsewhere, they would have noticed something else.

"Well, now that Fran and Penelo are finished emotionally scarring Vaan," Balthier said, still fiddling with his cuffs, "would you ladies please be so kind as to explain to me why I would ever be homosexual?"

"And me too," Basch added.

Ashe sighed impatiently. "Really Balthier, is it not plain to see? What kind of a straight man is obsessed with cleanliness?"

"Don't forget the fact that you're wearing a lacey shirt!" Penelo mentioned.

"And the earrings!"

"Those tight, black pants," Fran said.

"And the rainbow rings and bracelet!" Penelo pointed out. "And Basch, you also have a rainbow patch thing on you chest!"

"Plus, you're thirty-five and still single!" Ashe concluded. "Are you still mystified!?"

"What!? Just because I'm thirty-five and single doesn't mean I want to screw men!"

"Oh, so now it's a crime for a man to want to be clean!? Will I have an enough greater bounty on my head!? Absolute ludicrous! The leading man can't run around all dirty!"

"It wasn't my fault that I never got a girlfriend because they all preferred Gabranth," Basch grumbled. "You try having an evil twin!"

"I try to look nice! Is that so sacrilegious!? Would you prefer me to wear a sack!? I may be a sky pirate, but I have decency!"

"My loyalty is to Dalmasca!" Basch was getting angier with each word. "I haven't been thinking about settling down! Should I be branded a traitor for that, too!?"

"I understand it may appear to be a bit peculiar that a man would wear jewelry, but you shouldn't just judge a man's sexually based on it! These earrings represent significant chapters in my life!"

"And if you don't remember, I've been busy these past two years. I've been rotting in a FUCKING CELL!!!" Basch was infuriated now. He was now punching the fountain at the center of town. "I've been locked up for TWO STINKING YEARS in a FUCKING CAGE because my GOD DAMN brother BLOODY framed me and branded me as a FUCKING traitor so I haven't been able to get BLOODY married and get a GOD DAMN wife and get FUCKING laid!!!"

One would think that with all this swearing, adults would quickly cover kids' ears and send them away. But that was the last thing on their minds. This dispute seemed to captivate them, somehow. All they could do was watch. But if they had turned around…

"Finally, I think we all now that I look dead sexy in these pants," Balthier stated, making his way towards Fran. He looked at her and muttered, "I thought you liked them tight."

Fran merely shrugged. "Difficult they are, to remove."

A slight pause.

"B-but what about all the color you wear!?" Ashe and Penelo blurted out at the same time, trying to ignore what just happened.

Balthier straightened himself up and cleared his throat. "Basch?"

Basch regained his sanity, stopped punching the fountain, and paced over to Balthier. "Balthier?"

"On three," Balthier stated. "One. Two. Three."

"REAL MEN WEAR COLOR! HAH!" Balthier punched out his left hand, showing off his rings and bracelet, and Basch opened up his vest, revealing more his rainbow patch.

Ashe slapped her forehead.

Penelo moaned. "What's so bad about being gay anyways!? I also thought it was cool that Vaan and Reks were my gay buddies!"

"But we weren't gay!" Vaan wailed, getting out of his fetal position and grabbing Balthier's arm, crying into his sleeve.

"Of course there's nothing wrong with being gay," Basch declared. "It's just that it's not right for you to assume that we are when we are most _obviously_ not!"

"Vaan! Get off me! Your tears are soiling my shirt!" Balthier snapped, shoving Vaan down onto the ground. "Oh god! All my fiddling has wrinkled my cuffs! Someone best have an iron on them…"

"Enough of this nonsense!" Ashe commanded sharply. "Need I remind you what the _real_ issue here is!?"

"Yeah!" Penelo joined in. "What you accused us of being! It was completely uncalled for!"

Vaan stood up, forgetting that he was suppose to be emotional scarred, and said, "Hey! I thought we had good reason!"

Ashe was taken back. "Good reason!? Do you guys even think before you talk!?" Anger was building up in her with each second. "For whatever reason would you ever believe that I, Ashelia B'nargin, Princess of Dalmasca, would ever stoop so low and become a… a… a… **A BLOODY PROSTITUTE!?**"

Her scream echoed throughout the town. By now, all of Rabanastre was still, watching and listening to the group argue. It was so queer that a mere quarrel could silence an entire town, but every last Hume, Bangaa, Viera, and Seeq had their eyes glued to the six. Perhaps if one person had looked up, he would have noticed something else worth watching.

"And goes for me too!" Penelo shouted angrily at the guys. "Vaan, you didn't seriously think I was a whore all this time!?"

"Well…" Vaan started, sounding unsure. "with you and your dancing… and your outfit… it's kind of revealing in the leg area… I just thought that… well, maybe you were one…"

Penelo was trying to hold back her temper. "Vaan," she growled deeply, her eyes closed and her body shaking. "I didn't dance to give men sexually pleasure. I danced so we would be able to buy food."

"… but what about your outfit?" Vaan never did know when to shut up. Before he knew it, he was back down on the ground again with a screaming Penelo hovering over him.

"My outfit!? **MY OUTFIT**!? My outfit is **NOT** revealing! **YOUR** outfit is more revealing than **MINE** will ever be! **YOU** SHOULD BE THE PROSITITUTE, NOT **ME**!!!!"

Balthier sighed. "Does no one have any class left?"

"Who are you to talk of class?" Ashe questioned, astounded. "You claim that you're a gentleman and you're the leading man, but would a decent man think that I would sell my body for a profit!?"

"True, true, it does sound wrong of me to think such an idea, but I find that skirt you're wearing quite fitting for a 'lady of the night.'"

"WHAT!?"

"I have to agree with Balthier on this one," Basch acknowledged. "Lady Ashe, that skirt _is_ very short. And those slits… do you know how many times I've wis–I mean–feared that you would accidentally flash us all?"

"How can you even call that thing a skirt?" Penelo piped up, a little more calm but still annoyed. "It just looks like two pieces of cloth held together by that belt."

"And don't forget that low-cut shirt," Vaan added. "It also reveals her stomach."

Ashe could not believe it. 'Oh my god. I'm surrounded by idiots. Okay, just remain calm and correct them in a civil manner.' She took a deep breathe, opened her mouth, and said, "Listen to me you bastards! In case you haven't been able to realize it, IT'S FUCKING HOT IN DALMASCA!"

"Hey, that's what I-"

"DON'T INTERUPT, YOU DIM-WITTED PUBESCENT BOY! Back to what I was explaining, my clothes are merely a way of keeping cool! And you know something!? I'm a princess damn it! I can wear whatever I feel like wearing! And if you didn't notice, MY SKIRT IS FUCKING LEATHER! LEATHER! The leather keeps the skirt down! The chances of me flashing all of you are slim to none! SLIM TO NONE! Besides, I dare claim that somewhere out there, there's a girl running around half-naked! At least I wear more clothing than that!"

* * *

"Huh?" Rikku stopped in her tracks. "Hmmmm… that's weird. For some reason, I just got the feeling that someone made a reference to me. Was it Yunie? Or someone similar to Yunie? Did she say my outfit was revealing? Hmmm…" She looked down at her outfit: a yellow biking top, really short green skirt, white and blue boots, a red and yellow scarf, and arm gloves. "Nah! This outfit is juuuuuuust fine!" 

With that, Rikku continued on her merry way.

* * *

"And as for me?" Fran questioned. 

The three men turned to Fran. Vaan was fidgety, muttering a few things but afraid to say anything comprehensible in fear of the Viera. Basch shifted his eyes continuously and backed up slightly. Balthier looked at the two and sighed deeply. "Do I have to do everything around here?"

He stepped towards Fran and responded, "Your outfit is more revealing than Ashe's. That's saying a lot."

"It is the way we Viera dress," Fran merely replied. "You liked it that way, did you not?"

"Well, I'm never quite sure how to remove your armor."

Another slight pause.

"B-but what about when you guys were taking about straining men!" Vaan stammered out quickly to break the silence.

This got Ashe's and Penelo's attention. "WHAT!?"

"I overheard you talking once when we were taking a break in the Phon Coast," Vaan explained. "I heard it all! All that talk about when you were going to strain men and how it exhausting it all was. You can't lie to me! I heard you!"

Ashe and Penelo narrowed their eyes at Vaan and stared. And stared. And flinched. But mostly stared.

"We weren't talking about straining men," Ashe started, breathing heavily but managing to keep her voice low.

"We were talking," Penelo began, her voice very unsteady, "about…. about… about… about…"

"Yes?" Basch asked, a little concerned.

"ABOUT MENSTRUATING!"

A scream echoed once again throughout town. People were still glued to the argument. Yet, if they had only turned around…

"Hmmm… while, I guess that explains why you were talking about 'straining men' and not 'doing men.'" Basch pondered.

"Congratulations Vaan, you've reached a new level of stupidity," Balthier said.

"Ummm…" Vaan mumbled, looking a bit confused.

Ashe sighed, exhausted. "Look, this is getting ridiculous. Just apologize and let's be on our way."

"Not until you apologize to us," stated Basch.

"Apologize for what!?" Penelo asked incredulously.

"For thinking that we were gay!"

"But that was an accident!"

"So was us thinking that you were prostitutes!"

"But that was a personal insult!"

"So was being called gay!"

"Ummm…"

It seemed as though the argument was about to start all over again. But a call from the skies halted.

"Good news everyone! The Bahamut has fallen, kupo!"

For the first time since the quarrel began, the people of Rabanastre tore their eyes away from the group and looked up. There she was: the _Strahl_, flying over their heads.

"That's right, kupo! I, Nono, have defeated Vayne! The war is over, kupo! We are now at peace!"

The group stared up at the _Strahl_ in total and utter disbelief. "So," Balthier started slowly and unsure, "you mean to tell me that Nono defeated…"

"Yup, I defeated Vayne! He is now dead, kupo! And I'm sure the world will thank us a million times for that, kupo, cause he was ugly! Right Larsa?"

"Totally!" Larsa's voice sounded. "Now, I get to take the Archadian throne! And I'm only twelve years old! How wicked awesome is that! And I'm way better looking then that ugly old bastard that was my brother!"

"Yeah!" came a new voice. "U. G. L. Y. He ain't got no alibi! He ugly! Uh! Uh! He ugly!"

All the color drained from Basch's face. "Gabranth?"

"Okay guys! Altogether now, kupo!"

"U. G. L. Y. He ain't got no alibi! He ugly! Hey! Hey! He ugly!"

With that, the _Strahl_ flew away to land at the Aerodome with the three still chanting. Oddly enough, the people of Rabanastre resumed their normal duties, leaving the six dumbfounded and a bit disturbed.

Balthier was the first to speak. "Well, it seems Larsa has finally lost it. 'Tis a pity, really. He was such a well-mannered boy."

"Why would have ever thought that a moogle would be able to carry out the task that we were training so hard for?" Penelo asked, feeling a bit pathetic.

"First, he steals all the girls. Then, he steals my identity and brands me as a traitor. And now, this. How the heck is he my twin?"

"Ummm…"

"I suppose we best get the _Strahl_ back."

"And I better retake Dalmasca as Queen," Ashe concluded. "Let's go."

The group started to walk to the Aerodome, but they were stopped again by another voice.

"Wait a second," Vaan said.

Penelo sighed. "What is it now, Vaan?"

"What we were talking about earlier. I was just wondering… well… ummm…"

"Yes Vaan?"

"… what's menstruation?"

* * *

Don't you just love surprise endings? 

Alfador: No offense, but it's not surprise to me that Vaan's not familiar with the female reproductive system.

... I was talking about how Nono ended up saving the day. Speaking of which, I was planning on writing a story detailing how he defeated Vayne. It would explain why Nono, Larsa, and Gabranth were chanting, acting very OOC, and saying Vayne was ugly. But it depends. Tell me what thought about this fanfic. Good? Bad? Terrible? Should I even ever consider writing again? Anyways, thanks for reading and drop a review if you have the chance!


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